Wednesday, January 03, 2007

People Are So Darn Funny

One of the joys of blogging is getting to know people who find your site, make interesting comments and send you stuff. (This does not include two guys named Einstein and TC who are just rude!!) Today I’m relaying a collage of fun stuff that I’ve received from pals.

The first is from Ann. The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its Annual Neologism Contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. Here are some of my fav’s:

Flabbergasted (adj.) Appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Negligent (adj.) Describes a condition in which you absent-mindedlyanswer the door in your nightgown.

Lymph (v.) To walk with a lisp.

Testicle (n.) A humorous question on an exam.

Pokemon (n) A Rastafarian proctologist. ROFLMAO

Frisbeetarianism (n.) (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. (Roof = Heaven)

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are a few goodies:

Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops brightideas from penetrating. The Bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little signof breaking down in the near future.

Sarchasm (n) The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the personwho doesn't get it. (Synonym: Liberal)

Dopelar effect (n) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter whenthey come at you rapidly. Watch out for “fast talkers.”

Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. In California replace “indefinite” with “infinite.”

Karmageddon (n) It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer. (You can replace “explodes” with “melts” if you fear global warming.)

The next funny comes from my son John who is roaming around SE Asia with only a backpack full of stuff. John writes: “Wow, the lack of common sense and basic economics knowledge in San Francisco never ceases to amaze me. I wonder what this guy's response would be if someone pointed out that his buying stuff allows some poor family in China to eat and send their children to school.” John is referring to an Associated Press article: “S.F. group enjoys shopping sabbatical.”

It began, as grand ideas often do, over a dinner — risotto, artisan cheese and wine. What would it be like, ten environmentally conscious friends wondered as they discussed the state of the planet, to go a year without buying anything new? Twelve months later, the results from their experiment in anti-consumption for 2006 are in.

“It started in a lighthearted way, but it is very serious,” said John Perry, 42, a father of two who works for a Silicon Valley technology company. “It is about being aware of the excesses of consumer culture and the fact we are drawing down our resources and making people miserable around the world.” (Like the poor family in China who get to eat because of our consumption.) Nearly 3,000 people have joined a user group Perry set up on Yahoo so participants could swap goods and tips.

In case you think this is a silly idea, be aware that there are radicals called “freegans” in several cities in the United States and Europe whose contempt for consumerism is so complete they eat food foraged from dumpsters whenever possible, hop trains and sleep in abandoned buildings on principle.

Now that the SF group knows they can do it, they are ready to extend the pledge into 2007. But first, they plan to give themselves a one-day reprieve to stock up on essentials - windshield wipers, bicycle brakes and tongue studs.

I’ve proposed this to my wife but it's not for me.

On the European front is this funner from David: Political leaders attending a meeting of the European Socialist Party pledged that with the Democrats on the rise, strong ties could be renewed with the United States after years of cool relations with George W. Bush. “We are not anti-American, we want the real America, your America,” said Danish Prime Minister Nyrup Rasmussen, president of the European Socialist Party. “Europe needs an America that is back on track,” said Portuguese Socialist PM Jose Socrates. Socialists, or leftist governments, currently hold power in just over half of Europe.

“We need, today more than ever, to reinforce and renew the strategic alliance between the United States and Europe,” Socrates said. “Democrats should know that they can count on European Socialists.” Hmmm,… the strategic alliance? I wonder what that means.

On the political front there are so many funnies to choose from. Without mentioning Mr. Barak Obama by name, Mrs. Bill Clinton and her camp are already asserting that experience will be a key attribute for any successful candidate during difficult times. But it turns out that Barak got high “to put questions of who I was out of my mind” when a teenager. “I had learned not to care,” he wrote. “I blew a few smoke rings. Pot helped, and booze; maybe a little blow when you could afford it. Not smack, though.”

Barak’s candidacy reminds me of the “soft bigotry of low expectations.”

Will the Dem’s deliver? … asked Mario Cuomo. When House Democrats tried to unveil their lobbying reform package today, their press conference was drowned out by chants from anti-war activists who want Congress to stop funding the Iraq war before taking on other issues. Led by Cindy Sheehan, the protesters chanted “De-escalate, investigate, troops home now” as Rahm Emanuel, D-Ill., began outlining the Democrats' plans to ban lobbyist-funded travel and institute other fabulous 100 hour propositions.

Finally there was this notification from my buddy Burt about a study showing that “liberals clearly sport higher IQ.” That’s the funniest one yet!!

My good buddy Rose noted that some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided. That’s the story of how Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters (conservatives) and gatherers (liberals). Guess which group invented the wheel and beer?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah I agree with John on the's just so un-Christian to not buy stuff from China, since so those poor people who make 30 cents/hour will actually starve to death because a a few activitists won't buy their cheap plastic products. This is insane! In this bizarro world, we're told that it's the moral thing to do to continue buying cheap products from China in which people work for essentially slave wages just so we can feel good about ourselves? This whole notion that consuming more and more is a somehow the moral thing to do is patently absurd. But screw the American worker by not raising the minimum wage, that's conservative economics 101. Screw your fellow Americans, keep slave wages in China, and consolidate more and more profit in the hands of a few.

2:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A Day in the Life of Joe Middle-Class Republican

Joe gets up at 6:00am to prepare his morning coffee. He fills his pot full of good clean drinking water because some liberal fought for minimum water quality standards. He takes his daily medication with his first swallow of coffee. His medications are safe to take because some liberal fought to insure their safety and work as advertised.

All but $10.00 of his medications are paid for by his employers medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance, now Joe gets it too. He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs this day. Joe's bacon is safe to eat because some liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry.

Joe takes his morning shower reaching for his shampoo; His bottle is properly labeled with every ingredient and the amount of its contents because some liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it contained. Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some tree hugging liberal fought for laws to stop industries from polluting our air. He walks to the subway station for his government subsidized ride to work; it saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees. You see, some liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.

Joe begins his work day; he has a good job with excellent pay, medicals benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Joe's employer pays these standards because Joe's employer doesn't want his employees to call the union. If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed he'll get a worker compensation or unemployment check because some liberal didn't think he should loose his home because of his temporary misfortune.

Its noon time, Joe needs to make a Bank Deposit so he can pay some bills. Joe's deposit is federally insured by the FSLIC because some liberal wanted to protect Joe's money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the depression.

Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae underwritten Mortgage and his below market federal student loan because some stupid liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his life-time.

Joe is home from work, he plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive to dads; his car is among the safest in the world because some liberal fought for car safety standards. He arrives at his boyhood home. He was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers Home Administration because bankers didn't want to make rural loans. The house didn't have electric until some big government liberal stuck his nose where it didn't belong and demanded rural electrification. (Those rural Republican's would still be sitting in the dark)

He is happy to see his dad who is now retired. His dad lives on Social Security and his union pension because some liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Joe wouldn't have to. After his visit with dad he gets back in his car for the ride home.

He turns on a radio talk show, the host's keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good. (He doesn't tell Joe that his beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day) Joe agrees, “We don't need those big government liberals ruining our lives; after all, I'm a self made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have".

2:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The division of the human family into its two distinct political branches occurred some 10,000 years ago, when humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. The pivotal event of societal evolution was the invention of beer. This epochal event was both the foundation of modern civilization and the occasion of the bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so it was necessary to stick close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men who were tired of unreliable hunting seasons decided to improve their situation by raising animals to go along with the agricultural endeavors, thereby having the ability to feed the entire village all year long. This in turn also allowed them more time to drink beer. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Other men who did not have the intellect or the ability to evolve with the changing times continued to go hunting each day. They would barbeque their day's kill, which usually ended up being a scrawny member of the rodent family. They would sit in envy as they watched the smarter forward thinking liberals in the village feasting on steak, baked potato, corn on the cob and all washed down with a COLD beer that was chilled by resting the keg in the nearby stream. Those who had refused to change because it was going against the traditional ways became the forefathers of the conservative movement.

Interesting side note: being that barbeque is a style of cooking that was developed by the French and Indians in Louisiana, it is ironic that this e-mail does not refer to it as Freedom grilling.

Another interesting side note: most of the conservatives who were unwilling to evolve eventually died off because of starvation, (Neanderthal man, perhaps?) the few who did survive were thankful to the liberals for showing pity upon them.

Besides being used as a tool to bolster ignorant right wing e-mails when did conservatives begin believing in evolution?

Conservative achievements include the torture of cats, union busting, drug rehabilitation for fat white radio hosts hooked on OxyContin, no-bid contracts, off-shore tax shelters for corporations and stealing elections so they can horde all of the meat and beer for the ultra-rich.

Over the years, liberals became to be symbolized by the stalwart of the American work ethic, a donkey. Strong, dependable and able to get the job done, while the conservatives are symbolized by a bloated thick skinned animal that has a head full of ivory and as everyone who has seen a circus parade knows, proceeds best by grasping the tail of its predecessor while leaving heaping dunes of dung on the streets of America. Modern conservatives (there is an oxymoron for you) tend to drink Dom Perignon in fluted glasses with their pinky finger in the air. They eat filet mignon, beluga caviar and pate but deny they like French cuisine on a regular basis.

Another side note: as a liberal, I drink Bud Light and I consider my steak cooked when it is walked through a warm room. Sushi is fish bait and I have no idea what tofu looks like.

Liberal women are kind, considerate, warm and loving people who know how to fight back while still keeping their femininity, unlike the conservative trans-testicular's like Ann the man Coulter.

Most white collar criminals, corporate attorneys, racist homophobes, drug or sex addicted radio hosts, religious fundamentalists, dictators and skinheads are conservatives.

Conservatives created the instant replay challenge in football because they cannot accept playing by the rules and have the need to revisit past events over and over until they get their way.

Liberals drink all different kinds of beer, do not suffer from penis envy so therefore find no need to carry big guns and kill large animals for sport, learned from their parents that being a cowboy is nothing more than a man playing with his food and never felt the need to be a lumberjack stuck out in the woods with other men for long periods of time. Liberals are scientists, inventors, doctors, lawyers, teachers, construction workers, policemen, soldiers, accountants, astronauts, explorers and take part in every other field of endeavor. Liberals who own companies hire the best people for the job and to not feel the need to question an employee's political views.

Conservatives are not forward thinking, are happy with the status quo, hate democracy and are willing to do anything needed to get their piece of the pie without regard to the consequences of their actions.

Conservatives do not believe in alliances nor do want to hear anyone question their actions. They forget that the founding fathers were liberals who wanted freedom from an oppressive monarchy and that is was the conservatives who remained loyal to King George.

The wild west was tamed by liberals seeking a better life for their families and it was the conservatives who came in and tried to take the credit.

2:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bill -(This does not include two guys named Einstein and TC who are just rude!!)

In Bills world it is rude to disagree with him end even worse to show proof he is wrong.

Oh the Humanity


11:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


don't you get it? there is no "conservative" or "liberal" paradigm anymore. it's a concoction! complete and utter BULL.

anybody who believes there is a right/left paradigm anymore is fooling themselves.

8:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's the have's and have more's. The have not's have all been ethnically cleansed.

12:33 PM  

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