Bush Admits Role in Climate Conspiracy

New York, 24 Dec. 2005: In a blistering speech to the United Nations General Assembly, UN Secretary General Kofi Anon accused the United States of a massive, multifaceted conspiracy to change the global climate. Anon laid out his claims in a speech entitled “The US Conspiracy: Clear Skies, Christmas and Emperor Penguins.”

The climate protection community has long chastised the United States for an unwillingness to trash its economy through adherence to the terms of the Kyoto Protocol. Anon noted that the cost to the US economy, $650B per year (5% of GDP) and 6,000,000 jobs, is a reasonable price to pay for a 0.15 degree F (estimated) temperature decrease by 2050.

The conspiracy claims were further strengthened by a report out of Australia (“The Hidden Cost of Christmas”) that documents the environmental impacts of producing many popular Christmas gifts and goodies. The impacts were measured in terms of water use, land disturbance, greenhouse pollution, and material flow (defined as the “mass of all solids extracted from the earth” including timber and livestock).

As the most Christian developed country, the US is clearly the biggest culprit in this abuse of the environment. Anon hinted that New York Mayor Bloomberg’s agreement to settle the transit worker’s strike that was costing the City $400 million per day in Christmas related sales was a piece of the puzzle.

Another facet of the conspiracy was revealed in pictures of the melting South Pole where polar bears have to swim for miles to reach the rapidly decreasing ice sheet. At his Crawford, Texas ranch, President Bush finally admitted to his role in the multifaceted conspiracy. With tears welling in his eyes, Bush recalled seeing the March of the Penguins movie and his decision to do something about it.

“Watching those moms and dads having to walk over 70 miles to reach their breeding grounds, it just broke my heart. Laura, the Twins and I decided we had to use the might of America to shorten their journey. I mean, those dads having to stand over those eggs and wait for months for the moms to return from the sea, well it was too much to bear.”

After consultation with Interior Secretary Gale Norton, Bush concocted the strategy. He would promote the heck out of the Clear Skies Initiative, the most significant step America has ever taken to improve air quality throughout the country. According to Anon, this was the most insidious part of the conspiracy.

In a move lauded by environmentalists, Bush reduced emissions causing temperatures to 'rise' because the air is too clean. It seems that the air pollution reduces the amount of the sun's radiation that reaches the Earth's surface thereby cooling the Earth. In research to be published in the journal "Nature,” reductions in airborne particle pollution as air quality is improved will amplify global warming.

Democrats are calling for Impeachment.

MERRY CHRISTMAS dear friends.